Tag Archives: oval office

Oct 06 2012
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Political Humor

Emergency Press Conference

Ann Romney, as the First Lady, holds an emergency press conference.

Mrs. Romney:  Thank you for coming here on such short notice.  I want to make it clear, in case what my husband said in the privacy of the oval office yesterday was overheard, that I love Mitt’s sad puppy eyes.  Thank you for coming.  Good day.

Press:  Is that all, Mrs. Romney?

Mrs. Romney:  Yes, that’s all.

Press:  That’s why you scheduled an emergency press conference at 6:00 in the morning?

Mrs. Romney:  Yes.  I want this to get to the media as quickly as possible. Maybe you can get this on the Today show or on MSNBC and don’t forget Rachel Maddow!  I don’t want those liberals to misinterpret this information.

Press:  Those liberals are just waiting for news like this.   Don’t worry, Mrs. Romney, they’ll pick up this news as quickly as we report it.  Remember, we’re the ones here.

Mrs. Romney:  Yes, that’s true.  But I don’t think I like your attitude.  Don’t you think this is important?

Press:  With all due respect, ma’am,  Mrs. Obama never called an emergency press conference.  We think this is rather trivial.

Mrs. Romney:  Trivial?  Very well, then, it won’t happen again.

Press:  Ma’am with all due respect, it won’t. But you did say that the oval office is bugged?

Mrs. Romney:  I didn’t exactly say that, but my husband mentioned that after his meeting with Big Bird, oh dear, I don’t know if I was supposed to keep that a secret.   It’s just that Mitt wants to play it safe from day one.   He wants everything out in the open.  And you know that my husband doesn’t say anything that’s not true, except about my not loving his sad puppy eyes.

Press:  So he really thinks that 47 percent of Americans are slackers.

Mrs. Romney:  I’ll have to defer that question to him.

Press:  So the real point of your emergency press conference is to inform us that the oval office is bugged and that your husband believes that 47 percent of Americans are slackers. 

Mrs. Romney:  No, no, that’s not what I said, it’s because of my husband’s sad puppy eyes.  This press conference is officially over.

Press:  What do you suppose we will be covering three years and 364 days from now?

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.  Until tomorrow…

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Oct 05 2012
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Political Humor

Romney’s First Day as President – Monologue

I can’t believe that I won.  My first day in the oval office.  What should I do first?  Let’s see, oh yes, my number one campaign promise. (Shouts out window) ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE WITHOUT JOBS, GET UP!  I DON’T HAVE A JOB FOR YOU YET, THAT’S GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME, BUT GET UP, GET DRESSED, PRETEND THAT YOU HAVE A JOB TO GO TO.  There, my first presidential order.  Okay, what should I do now?  Oh yes, fire Big Bird.  I’ll let Paul do that.  After breakfast I’m going to clean up the mess that Obama created.  I know that his heart was in the right place but he just didn’t know what he was doing.  Do I know what I’m doing?  Look how lay back he was at the first debate.  He should have asked me about that 47 percent thing.  Probably thought that I had a good comeback so he didn’t want to give me the opportunity.  Ha, I had nada!!!  Anyway, I’ll run the country like a business.  That’s what I do, that’s my thing.  People always say, do your thing!  I’ve said it before, I don’t mind firing people so all you lazy people out there who can’t get on board, well, steer that ship overseas.  No, I can’t say that.  That’s almost 47 percent of the population.  That might take care of the budget, though.  They’re takers, not contributors, so no tax revenue lost.  Let some other country deal with all the poor, I mean, disadvantaged folks.  Hey, I’m alone, I can say poor if I want to.  I hope this place isn’t bugged.  I’m hungry.  I wish someone would bring me my presidential breakfast, coffee at least.  Where’s that room service number.  I’ll fire whoever was supposed to bring me my breakfast.  There, already created one new job!

Ah, a mirror!  Let’s see how presidential I look early in the morning.  I’ve got that little smirk down pretty well.  Not too smirky, keep it sincere.  And my sad puppy eyes seem to draw people in, although Ann can’t stand it.  I’ve got to stop blinking so much but I can’t help it when I’m nervous.

Look out world, I’m at the helm now!  I’ll fix America’s image.  Russia, China, take notice.  I’m not going to put up with your shenanigans!  I’m tough.  I’ll take on the entire world if I have to, uh, I shouldn’t say that, I might have to.  Anyway, I’m not afraid of anyone.  As Bush used to say, “Bring it on!”

Ooh, someone’s at the door.  Maybe someone has finally brought my presidential breakfast.  (Opens door) Big Bird!  How did you get in here?

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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