Teacher: Who can explain the meaning of irony?
Student: Mick Jagger celebrating his 70th birthday!
“Come On” and give cheers to the best rock and roll band in the world, The Rolling Stones, and best birthday wishes to Mick Jagger, the band’s frontman for fifty years!
(c) 2013 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved.
I listened to a radio commercial that promoted a certain motor oil to keep your car happy. Wow, a happy car. Evidently a car runs better when it’s happy. So what is wrong with the car that is stuck on the side of the road? It has a bad attitude. What can you do with a car that has a bad attitude? Just send it to the garage and forget to pick it up. There’s no Sunday drive for you, Betsy!
How many of you have named your car? “Come on Betsy, we can make it to the gas station – don’t give up on me now girl!” I want to know why cars are synonymous with female names instead of male names. What’s wrong with, “Come on Phil, we can make it, don’t give up on me now!” Or how about, “Bob, we’re almost there, don’t stall!” Have you ever met Jaguar Joe?
Since people spend most of their life inside a car, it seems natural to endow that car with animism. I swear that my car was filled with soul and had saved my life more than once. For example, one time I was driving home from Pennsylvania to New Jersey. I left Pennsylvania at 10:00 at night and while on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, the lights on the dashboard started to dim and the engine started to lose power. I chastised myself for leaving at 10:00 at night and prayed, “Just get me home.” Still, I felt that at any moment the car would stall. Finally, I crossed over into New Jersey and felt a little safer. Another hour and a half to go. White knuckles on the steering wheel, I kept praying just to get home. Approaching the last half hour, I got off the highway and took the back route. At least it would be safer if I had to pull over. There were many traffic lights on this road and I feared that if I stopped for a red light, the car would stall and not start again. Amazingly, the traffic lights stayed green the entire route! As I rounded the last block to my house, the engine’s power dwindled. At least breaking down one block from my house would not have been as bad as breaking down on the Pennsylvania or New Jersey Turnpike. My little car kept chugging along. Five houses away, three, two and finally, right in front of my house, my car lost all power. I unglued my hands from the steering wheel and started to cry. It was too surreal. The next day I had my car towed to my mechanic, who replaced the alternator. Considering the situation, my car had a very good attitude.
That incident happened four years ago. At 247,000 miles and with a cracked manifold, I recently sold my car to a mechanic who will fix it inexpensively and use the car for himself. Still, it saddened me to part with my loyal car. It’s just a conglomerate of steel, I kept telling myself. When I handed the keys to the new owner, I told him the Pennsylvania story and then added the story about the time when oddly, something caused my foot to lift off the accelerator for a few seconds. That few seconds saved me from being hit broadside from a car running a red light through the intersection I had been approaching. He seemed to identify and appreciate the stories. I am pleased with the new owner of my car and believe that my car will be happy – just don’t name it Betsy.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.
I was shopping in a well-known department store the other day and noticed that ALL signs were written in English and in Spanish, except for this one: DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE.
When you stub your toe and shout out in pain, the pain seems to intensify as you realize how many more times in your life you will inevitably stub your toe again!
Which comes first – the sticker that covers the bad spot on the tomato or the bad spot on the tomato?
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.
DAY OF RECKONING, TUESDAY 11/13/12: HOPE EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN WITHOUT POWER FROM HURRICANE SANDY HAS HAD IT RESTORED.
When you realize that you’re not as smart as you’ve always thought people thought you were.
When you make every effort to make things right and everything goes wrong and someone suggests that you put forth more effort.
When you finally lose weight and your clothes are too big but you can’t afford to buy new clothes.
When your kids learn to tell time and then join the ranks of those who criticize you for being late.
When you watch your cat nap and wish that you could have that life.
When you really, really want the last jelly donut at Dunkin Donuts and out of politeness you say to the other customer who also wants the donut, “please, take it” and he does.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
G-d: There’s no smoking up here.
Man: You’re kidding, right?
G-d: I don’t kid.
Man: Gotcha. I thought this was a place of eternal bliss.
G-d: It is for those who don’t smoke.
Man: Can I quit over a period of time? Got lots of it, ha ha ha.
G-d: Really, not funny. You’ll have to quit cold turkey.
Man: That’s too hard! Going to heaven scares the hell out of me! The thought that I can never smoke again!
G-d: There are a lot of things that you can no longer do. Have you thought about that?
Man: Not really. I like, or liked to smoke. Smoked since I was a teenager. Never wanted to quit. Seriously, you want me to make a decision right this second?
G-d: You’ve had a lifetime to make a decision to quit smoking.
Man: Do I have a choice?
G-d: Of course you do. If you want to continue to smoke, well, where there’s smoke there’s fire, if you get my drift.
Man: No no, don’t do anything in haste!
G-d: I don’t work that way.
Man: Okay, give me a week, I’ll cut down.
G-d: Doesn’t work that way. You have to quit cold turkey or else.
Man: No, not or else! I’ll quit, I’ll quit!!!!!
G-d: Good choice. A little late, but better late than never.
Man: Not necessarily. I’m too young to be here. I now wish that I had never started smoking.
G-d: Unfortunately, they all say that.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.
Until tomorrow…
Every year it’s the same thing, clean the house for the holidays. But it’s not only for the holidays. I am always cleaning the house, not that it’s unclean, it’s just that I have too much stuff. Stuff is everywhere: magazines, books, shoes, tennis rackets, sweaters, gloves and even stuff that I bought at a garage sale; stuff that nobody else wanted. Why did I think that I needed other people’s unwanted stuff? It’s still good – maybe I’ll need it someday. So what have I been doing with all of this stuff? Mostly stuffing it into the closet with all the other stuff that I have accumulated over the years. And then there is the garage. I have no idea what stuff is in there except for an old tire for a car I no longer own, or the crate of expired car fluids. And then there are additional cartons of other people’s unwanted stuff that I bought, again assuming that it would have value someday. And then there is the attic where cartons of stuff containing the children’s firsts: first shoes, first bib, first pacifier, first bottle, first fork, first spoon, first cup, first saucer and first bowl, remain neatly stacked. In one of those cartons is the little hoody that reads: “If you think I’m cute you should see my mom!” I could never get rid of that! There are cartons containing kindergarten finger paintings, 1st grade drawings, 2nd grade drawings on up through 6th grade clay pencil holders and bowls, junior high mementos and cartons containing all of the children’s brilliant essays, sports trophies, ribbons and commendations. I have categorized this as the Keepsake Stuff. The good stuff! Stuff I will never part with. But then there is the Smith Corona typewriter that collects dust in the corner and the stack of first year and last year issues of magazines that might become valuable or at least be a good source of reference. My favorite high school clothes, like a racoon coat that I paid $25 for or a few pairs of low-rise hip hugger pants hang covered in plastic on a rack in another far corner of the attic. I don’t think the racoon coat will return to fashion but I do believe that one day I will once again fit into my size 3 hip hugger pants. This is the Someday But Most Likely Not Category.
I don’t want to leave out the new stuff. This is a sad story though. One time I lived in this very large house that had big, empty closets begging to be filled with new stuff. But I forced myself to refrain from filling them. I wanted to prolong the excitement. One day a friend was visiting and I bragged about my empty closets, feeling quite impressed with myself. That was a huge mistake. My wide-eyed friend asked if she could store some of her stuff in my big empty closets. Store for how long? “Forever”, she said, and explained that she no longer had any room in her house – she had too much stuff. This developed into an embarrassing dilemma. I wanted to be a good friend but unless you’re having a garage sale, pushing your stuff onto someone else is not a good thing. So I told her no. My friend did not take it well. We had a huge fight and she told me that she never wanted to speak with me again. True story, you can’t make this stuff up!
So now I’m going to get back to my cleaning. When I’m through with that, I have lots of cooking to do. Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I want to try out my new recipe for stuffing. And this year I’ve vowed not to eat too much and get overstuffed. Save room for dessert. But it’s not over yet. When the cooking and cleaning are done, there is still a lot of other stuff to do around the house, like mow the lawn, fix the roof, weed the garden and then purchase a new couch to replace the one that my two cavalier cats ruthlessly clawed Cats do that but to watch the two of them toss around the stuffing that falls from the couch as if they were playing football leaves me to wonder if I should provide that entertainment for YouTube or get a dog.
I admit I have a lot to do but I’m not worried. I always manage to get everything done in time. However, right now, I’m feeling a little stuffy so I hope that I’m not coming down with a cold. Maybe I’m allergic to cats.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
“I remember when my parents used to say to me, if I have to tell you one more time then that’s it.”
“Why would you bring that up now?”
“Because I say it to my kids all the time and I don’t know what it is.”
“What what is?”
“You know, what the it means in that’s it.”
“Seriously, what are you talking about?”
“Never mind, forget about it.”
“Forget about what?”
“This conversation and you’re right, I don’t know why I brought it up now while we’re on our first date having dinner at this exciting new restaurant.”
“You call this a conversation?”
“Yes, of course. An exchange of words. It’s called a conversation. What part of it don’t you get?”
“You know what? Finally, I get it and I have to leave now.”
“Right now? I don’t get it? We haven’t even had dessert! I didn’t mean for it to ruin our dinner. What I’m trying to say is, never mind, it doesn’t really matter now.”
“You’re right, it doesn’t matter, so let’s just forget about it. Waiter, bring me a check please..”
“Don’t worry about the check, I’ll take care of it, but do you really have to leave now? I don’t want it to end like this.”
“I can’t take it anymore. I’ll pay for my own dinner, waiter, check please!”
“Where are you going now?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“I guess it’s over between us?”
“It’s a first date, we’re not an us, waiter, check, can you bring it now?”
“Waiter, over here, give it to me, please. I know this date didn’t work out well, but maybe we can try it again. I’ve written my phone number on this napkin. Here, take it?”
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
What makes a person good marriage material today? Is it money, power? When you get down to the nitty gritty of everyday married life, like cooking, sewing and hanging shelves, then you really discover to whom you’re married.
I believe in a pre-nuptial questionnaire. Question number one should be: Did you take home economics or shop class in high school? The answer should be the real reason for getting married. Sure, it’s love you say. Don’t kid yourself.
Think of the male who never learned how to cook or sew or the female who stares blankly at a pile of wood, envisioning that wood hanging on her wall as perfectly aligned shelves that dutifully hold and display her vast collection of books.
When I was in high school, girls weren’t allowed to take shop and boys weren’t allowed to take home economics, simply because of gender. I never understood this. I desperately wanted to take shop and learn how to do what the boys were being taught. Ah, how independently blissful to be able to deftly cut, measure and hang that wood or to design a palace for the birds.
When I moved into my first apartment, I had to find a man who would hang my shelves for me, and it was usually some woman’s husband. I learned quickly that wives don’t want to loan their husbands for another woman’s menial tasks. I’d hear the wife mutter, “Hey, marry your own shelf hanger B—-. I’m married to this one. Why should you get free shelves? What did YOU do for it?”
I have always been resentful of this educational gender inequity, but the wives were right, find my own shelf hanger. I learned to wheel and deal, always cognizant of the wives’ tale: What did you do for it? It’s a common fact that men like to eat a lot and they often tear their clothes. I’m a great cook and I’m pretty handy with a needle and thread (yeah, I received an “A” in home-ec in spite of myself) so I cooked a lot of home cooked meals and sewed a lot of torn jackets and in return, got the shelves hung and married the man of my dreams.
After I got married, I better understood a wife’s need to protect her sovereignty. However, it’s wonderful that high schools today offer co-ed shop and home economics (now termed healthful living) classes. Single life reaps the rewards of independent proficiency and marriages remain strong. The wife can simple say, “Honey, I’ll put up the shelves while you cook dinner,” and the husband can reply, “Okay honey, then I’ll hem that dress of yours while you fix the car.”
(c) Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
(FADE IN) SET OF THE RACHEL ROY SHOW. INTERVIEW: STRATEGIC BRANDING. TALENT: MR. COFFEE, BETTY CROCKER, AUNT JEMIMA
Rachel: Betty, let’s start with you. How does it feel to be America’s most famous brand?
Betty: It’s very stressful, Rachel. Everyone expects me to be perfect all the time.
Mr. C: If I show any bitterness at all, I mean, there is no compromise.
Betty: And women count on me to make their life perfect! It’s too much pressure.
Rachel: Aunt Jemima, you’ve been very quiet.
Aunt J: Well, Rachel, as you know, there are a lot of issues going on with me. I was so politically incorrect with that scarf on my head and all and then I lost all that weight and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I am getting progressively younger looking, I’m hardly recognizable anymore! But people continue to stereotype me from how I first appeared in 1889. But what bothers me the most, Rachel, is that I’m not now nor have I ever been anyone’s aunt!
Rachel: Oh dear, is that true Aunt, I mean, shall I just call you Jemima then? I can feel your stress but you and Betty are each originators of a great food brand and Mr. Coffee, of course, you’re included. Just look at all the Twitter followers you all have. Awesome number!
Mr. C: Jemima, you have Twitter followers?
Aunt J: Of course I do.
Mr. C: Betty, you too?
Betty: Of course. Today one must be socially connected. Mr. Coffee, are you at least on Facebook?
Mr. C: I don’t know, nobody tells me anything although I always have this feeling that I’m being followed.
Betty: You know, Mr. Coffee, you do have a lot of competition out there.
Mr. C: Well, Betty, you and Aunt Jemima have been around a lot longer than I have.
Aunt J: Remember the truth is out so just call me Jemima, and what’s that supposed to mean, you calling us old? Why, you’re not even real!
Betty: Excuse me, Jemima, but if we’re talking about being real…
Rachel: Okay, that concludes our interview on strategic branding. Just remember folks, always stay true to yourself. See you tomorrow! Okay, that’s a rap.
CUT TO: COMMERCIAL
(CUT MICS)
Aunt J: Amen to that.
Mr. C: And no more feeling bitter.
Betty: Remember ladies, a good home cooked meal is the key to your husband’s happiness! And of course, always end the meal with a perfect cup of coffee, never, ever bitter.
Aunt J: And don’t forget to include some home cooked biscuits.
Betty: Yes, yes, Jemima, we know how versatile you can be. But leave the menu planning to me.
Mr. C: Well, I have only one function, so ladies, good evening to you.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom, and humility.
Until tomorrow…
I am very shy but I have been trying to convince myself that I need to be assertive and find new ways to meet men. So last Sunday, I was walking towards a bicycle shop to have a flat fixed on my bike and as I approached, I noticed an extremely handsome man leaning against a railing. I wanted him to notice me, to start a clever conversation, but shy as I am, I just walked past him with my bike. As soon as I opened the door to the shop, I heard the man’s sexy voice, ” Well, h-e-l-l-o there!”
I stopped dead in my tracks, collected all my passive assertiveness, turned around and responded, “Well, h-e-l-l-o to you too!”
He smiled politely, pointed to the earpiece and whispered, “Sorry, I’m on the phone.”
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
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