Oct 08 2012
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Humor

Pathetic Crier

This isn’t meant to offend anyone, honestly, but have you ever noticed that some little kids cry, well, pathetically?  All kids are adorable, we know that, but think about it, some kids are cute when they cry and others, well, simply are not.

So one afternoon, late in August last summer, my next door neighbor is having a backyard family reunion where relatives congregate in little groups of familiarity, smiling and toasting their drinks at loved ones whose names they can’t recall but they say, oh my how you’ve grown to all the children.  And there are so many of them running around!  So I’m lying peacefully in my hammock, tolerant of the noise since it is an important and happy family event and even happier that I did not receive a “we feel awkward that you’re sitting over there in your  hammock by yourself so why don’t you join us” invitation.  I rehearse my response which is no thanks I’m fine really just in case when suddenly I hear a wrenching howling.  I ask myself is that a child crying or a goat with its head stuck in the grill?  I jump up from my comfortable hammock and run next door to assist and there I see this little boy, maybe four or five years old, screaming his head off in front of this man who I assume is his father – it would have to be.  Who else would get that close?  The child doesn’t appear to be hurt but the howling indicates that something is definitely amiss.  The father appears helpless and glances frantically for any woman to assume the responsibility of motherhood.  The howl gets louder and the child’s face gets, well, less attractive, much less.  Frighteningly so!  He just wants something.  But WHAT?  WHAT DOES HE WANT?  Now I must remember not to shout at this kid since I’m not officially invited to this party so I start to analyze the situation.  Did this child practice this type of crying or is it natural.  Hard to believe it could be natural, but nonetheless.  Just think when little kids are in the bathroom forever and you wonder why it takes them an hour to wash their hands.  They’re not washing their hands – they’re practicing their crying!  Getting it down to perfection.  So this is the deal, I figure.  Cute crier gets hugs and kisses – pathetic crier gets whatever he wants, just to get him to shut up.  Genius!

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.        Until tomorrow…

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Oct 06 2012
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Political Humor

Emergency Press Conference

Ann Romney, as the First Lady, holds an emergency press conference.

Mrs. Romney:  Thank you for coming here on such short notice.  I want to make it clear, in case what my husband said in the privacy of the oval office yesterday was overheard, that I love Mitt’s sad puppy eyes.  Thank you for coming.  Good day.

Press:  Is that all, Mrs. Romney?

Mrs. Romney:  Yes, that’s all.

Press:  That’s why you scheduled an emergency press conference at 6:00 in the morning?

Mrs. Romney:  Yes.  I want this to get to the media as quickly as possible. Maybe you can get this on the Today show or on MSNBC and don’t forget Rachel Maddow!  I don’t want those liberals to misinterpret this information.

Press:  Those liberals are just waiting for news like this.   Don’t worry, Mrs. Romney, they’ll pick up this news as quickly as we report it.  Remember, we’re the ones here.

Mrs. Romney:  Yes, that’s true.  But I don’t think I like your attitude.  Don’t you think this is important?

Press:  With all due respect, ma’am,  Mrs. Obama never called an emergency press conference.  We think this is rather trivial.

Mrs. Romney:  Trivial?  Very well, then, it won’t happen again.

Press:  Ma’am with all due respect, it won’t. But you did say that the oval office is bugged?

Mrs. Romney:  I didn’t exactly say that, but my husband mentioned that after his meeting with Big Bird, oh dear, I don’t know if I was supposed to keep that a secret.   It’s just that Mitt wants to play it safe from day one.   He wants everything out in the open.  And you know that my husband doesn’t say anything that’s not true, except about my not loving his sad puppy eyes.

Press:  So he really thinks that 47 percent of Americans are slackers.

Mrs. Romney:  I’ll have to defer that question to him.

Press:  So the real point of your emergency press conference is to inform us that the oval office is bugged and that your husband believes that 47 percent of Americans are slackers. 

Mrs. Romney:  No, no, that’s not what I said, it’s because of my husband’s sad puppy eyes.  This press conference is officially over.

Press:  What do you suppose we will be covering three years and 364 days from now?

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.  Until tomorrow…

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Oct 05 2012
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Political Humor

Romney’s First Day as President – Monologue

I can’t believe that I won.  My first day in the oval office.  What should I do first?  Let’s see, oh yes, my number one campaign promise. (Shouts out window) ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE WITHOUT JOBS, GET UP!  I DON’T HAVE A JOB FOR YOU YET, THAT’S GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME, BUT GET UP, GET DRESSED, PRETEND THAT YOU HAVE A JOB TO GO TO.  There, my first presidential order.  Okay, what should I do now?  Oh yes, fire Big Bird.  I’ll let Paul do that.  After breakfast I’m going to clean up the mess that Obama created.  I know that his heart was in the right place but he just didn’t know what he was doing.  Do I know what I’m doing?  Look how lay back he was at the first debate.  He should have asked me about that 47 percent thing.  Probably thought that I had a good comeback so he didn’t want to give me the opportunity.  Ha, I had nada!!!  Anyway, I’ll run the country like a business.  That’s what I do, that’s my thing.  People always say, do your thing!  I’ve said it before, I don’t mind firing people so all you lazy people out there who can’t get on board, well, steer that ship overseas.  No, I can’t say that.  That’s almost 47 percent of the population.  That might take care of the budget, though.  They’re takers, not contributors, so no tax revenue lost.  Let some other country deal with all the poor, I mean, disadvantaged folks.  Hey, I’m alone, I can say poor if I want to.  I hope this place isn’t bugged.  I’m hungry.  I wish someone would bring me my presidential breakfast, coffee at least.  Where’s that room service number.  I’ll fire whoever was supposed to bring me my breakfast.  There, already created one new job!

Ah, a mirror!  Let’s see how presidential I look early in the morning.  I’ve got that little smirk down pretty well.  Not too smirky, keep it sincere.  And my sad puppy eyes seem to draw people in, although Ann can’t stand it.  I’ve got to stop blinking so much but I can’t help it when I’m nervous.

Look out world, I’m at the helm now!  I’ll fix America’s image.  Russia, China, take notice.  I’m not going to put up with your shenanigans!  I’m tough.  I’ll take on the entire world if I have to, uh, I shouldn’t say that, I might have to.  Anyway, I’m not afraid of anyone.  As Bush used to say, “Bring it on!”

Ooh, someone’s at the door.  Maybe someone has finally brought my presidential breakfast.  (Opens door) Big Bird!  How did you get in here?

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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Oct 04 2012
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political

The Bullies Wear Suits

“Do I get that raise?”

“In this economy, I would have to be stupid to give you a raise.  You’re lucky to have a job.  You’re not that bright you know, but you’re a good person.  I like you, really, I do.  But again, you’re not too bright but because I like you,  you’re still here.”

“About that raise?”

“If you worked 24/7 your work would not be as good as my least performing employee.  Be glad that you have a job at all!  You do want your job, don’t you?”

“Not really, but I’m willing to work for you because I’m your only employee.  Remember, everyone quit because you’re a bully.  You’re stupid, mean, incompetent, and can’t do your job!  If I quit, then you can no longer be a boss.  Get it?  You do want your job, don’t you  Now, about that raise!”

Most workplace bullying scenarios do not end up this well.  According to a 2007 Workplace Bullying Institute survey by WBI-Zogby, bullying creates stress related health issues that include debilitating anxiety; panic attacks; clinical depression, and post traumatic stress.  The study cites that PTSD occurs in 30% women and 21% men.  Even if you’re not a direct target of bullying, the study reports that witnessing bullying is vicariously traumatizing and can produce the same health issues.  WBI-Zogby reported  that out of 7,740 respondents to a survey, 37% of workers had been bullied and that 72% had been bosses.  However, any worker can be targeted by anyone in his or her work environment.

Currently, in New Jersey, employees are protected from workplace bullying by the “Healthy Workplace Act” Senate No. 333.  The synopsis of the Act cites that, “the social and economic well-being of the State is dependent upon healthy and productive employees.”  According to the Act, “it shall be an unlawful employment practice for an employer to subject an employee to abusive conduct or to permit an abusive work environment” and to retaliate in any manner against an employee because of a  complaint or legal action.

This bill was originally sponsored on March 5, 2010 as A673 by Assemblywomen Sheila Y. Oliver (D), Valerie Vanieri-Huttle (D),  and Linda R. Greenstein (D).  In 2011, Greenstein moved to the Senate to complete the term and then introduced the same bill as S2515.  On Jan. 10, 2012, Senator Greenstein introduced the bill to the Senate as S333.  It has been referred to the Senate Labor Committee for the 2012-2013 state legislation session.  Senator Linda R. Greenstein (D-14) can be reached at sengreenstein@njleg.org.   Check with your particular state for workplace bullying legislative updates.

Basically, it’s simple.  You can no longer be a bully in school or in the workplace, no matter who you are.  Similarly, school administrators are legally responsible for maintaining the health and well-being of each student against abusive behavior.  The coined phrase, “boys will be boys” and “girls will be girls” must be eliminated.  So if there are any bullies out there, JUST STOP IT, and make it a good day for everyone.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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Oct 03 2012
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political

Getting Through the Day

“Is is true?”

“Is what true?”

“Today is your fiftieth birthday?”

“Oh no, please not the ‘turning 50 crap.’  But for your information, I am not over the hill, thank you.  I have reached the hill!”

“What’s it like to have finally reached that infamous hill?”

“It feels somewhat fulfilling, maybe a little scary because people will expect me to put the years of wisdom I have accumulated towards something significant.”

“In that case have you done it yet?”

“Have I done what?”

“Reached the goal you wanted to achieve before you turned fifty?”

“It depends on what goal.  If you mean making sure my kids are successful, then the answer is yes.  If you mean do I have my dream job, then the answer is no.”

“So you’re saying that you’ve never quite figured it out.”

“Something like that, but I have accumulated years of wisdom!”

“So why don’t you apply that wisdom to creating your dream job?”

“I have a job.”

“Is it your dream job?”

“No, it’s a job I hate.  My boss is a bully.  I am harassed all day.”

“Why don’t you quit?”

“Can’t.  Too many responsibilities.  Sometimes I feel like a kid on the school playground.”

“Were you bullied in school?”

“Just by one kid and someone like him grew up to become my boss!”

“How did you handle the bullying in school?”

“Back then, you learned to run fast or tough it out, just to get through the day.  That’s what I’m doing now in this job, I suppose. ‘ Toughing’ it out just to get through the day.”

“Bummer.”

“Who says that anymore?”

“I know, sorry, it slipped out.  Anyway, it’s never too late to figure it out.”

“I can’t make any changes in my life.  I have too many responsibilities.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Do you think that you’ll ever have that dream job?”

“I’m fifty already.”

“So what does that mean?”

“It means that last year I was forty-nine and next year, hopefully, I’ll be fifty-one.”

“Sort of stuck in the middle?”

“Something like that.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I don’t think that there is a problem.  I’m basically happy.”

“Being basically happy is a wonderful goal, yeah, really!  Look, why don’t you just do it?”

“You’re absolutely right.  I should quit my job or at least end this harassment at work and pursue my dream job.  But I don’t know what I can do about the bullying at work.”

“There is a law against bullying in the workplace.”

“Really, didn’t know that.  I’ll look into it and make a change today!”

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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Oct 02 2012
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Humor

More of Life’s Little Annoyances

When you realize that you’re not as smart as you’ve always thought people thought you were.

When you make every effort to make things right and everything goes wrong and someone suggests that you put forth more effort.

When you finally lose weight and your clothes are too big but you can’t afford to buy new clothes.

When your kids learn to tell time and then join the ranks of those who criticize you for being late.

When you watch your cat nap and wish that you could have that life.

When you really, really want the last jelly donut at Dunkin Donuts and out of politeness you say to the other customer who also wants the donut, “please, take it” and he does.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.  Until tomorrow…

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Oct 01 2012
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Poetry

My Old Kitchen Floor

Jagged vinyl edges ripped apart

As the wood beneath gasps for air.

Warped and fragile, the wood bursts forth, angered by its seclusion.

Recalling its mighty strength beyond the dormant vinyl, it emerges in combat

The vinyl fights back, not willing to succumb to the force beneath.

Once in harmony, together, smooth, tight, and glistening

Rebels against dishes breaking and stomping feet and the whirl of the roller skates.

The wall, proud and tall, kicks in the sides and the vinyl curls in terror and confusion at this unexpected betrayal.

Stained, muddied and vulnerable to its own demise, its few strips cling to memories of babies crawling, puppies curled up in one spot, cooking smells, conversations and the roller skates which managed to glide by against all opposition

“Oh no, not the skates!”

These words recalled as its last strips, finally severed scraps, scatter into one final heap against the wall.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.     Until tomorrow….

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Sep 30 2012
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Thought for the day

What do you think?

Intelligence is not measured by how much information you’ve stored in your brain.

Intelligence is measured by how well you’ve trained yourself to think.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.          Until tomorrow…

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Sep 29 2012
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Humor

No Smoking…Where?

G-d:  There’s no smoking up here.

Man:  You’re kidding, right?

G-d:  I don’t kid.

Man:  Gotcha.  I thought this was a place of eternal bliss.

G-d:  It is for those who don’t smoke.

Man:  Can I quit over a period of time?  Got lots of it, ha ha ha.

G-d:  Really, not funny.  You’ll have to quit cold turkey.

Man:  That’s too hard!  Going to heaven scares the hell out of me!  The thought that I can never smoke again!

G-d:  There are a lot of things that you can no longer do.  Have you thought about that?

Man:  Not really.  I like, or liked to smoke.  Smoked since I was a teenager.   Never wanted to quit.   Seriously, you want me to make a decision right this second?

G-d:  You’ve had a lifetime to make a decision to quit smoking.

Man:  Do I have a choice?

G-d:  Of course you do.  If you want to continue to smoke, well, where there’s smoke there’s fire, if you get my drift.

Man:  No no, don’t do anything in haste!

G-d:  I don’t work that way.

Man:  Okay, give me a week, I’ll cut down.

G-d:  Doesn’t work that way.  You have to quit cold turkey or else.

Man:  No, not or else!  I’ll quit, I’ll quit!!!!!

G-d:  Good choice.  A little late, but better late than never.

Man:  Not necessarily.  I’m too young to be here.   I now wish that I had never started smoking.

G-d:  Unfortunately, they all say that.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.

Until tomorrow…

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Sep 28 2012
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Humor

Life is just a little annoying…

When you’re certain if you say this then someone will say that and they don’t!

When you think that you really look hot and the dinner conversation is about AARP! 

When you’ve spent an exhausting day of shopping and you really need a cup of coffee and you rush to the last open coffee-house in town and watch as the barista pours the last bit of coffee down the drain!

When you lose your job and the other door doesn’t open!

When you’ve had the same opinion for more than thirty years and suddenly it doesn’t make sense to you!

When you think that your life sucks – and it really does!

When you’re feeling old and you think – but wait!

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.        Until tomorrow…

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