Category Archives: Humor

Sep 12 2012
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Humor

Interview with Mr. Coffee, Betty Crocker and Aunt Jemima

(FADE IN) SET OF THE RACHEL ROY SHOW.  INTERVIEW:  STRATEGIC BRANDING.  TALENT:  MR. COFFEE, BETTY CROCKER, AUNT JEMIMA 

Rachel:  Betty, let’s start with you.  How does it feel to be America’s most famous brand?

Betty:  It’s very stressful, Rachel.  Everyone expects me to be perfect all the time.

Mr. C:   If I show any bitterness at all, I mean, there is no compromise.

Betty:   And women count on me to make their life perfect!  It’s too much pressure.

Rachel:   Aunt Jemima,  you’ve been very quiet. 

Aunt J:   Well, Rachel, as you know, there are a lot of issues going on with me.   I was so politically incorrect with that scarf on my head and all and then I lost all that weight and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I am getting progressively younger looking,  I’m hardly recognizable anymore!  But people continue to stereotype me from how I first appeared in 1889.    But what bothers me the most, Rachel, is that I’m not now nor have I ever been anyone’s aunt!

Rachel:   Oh dear, is that true Aunt, I mean, shall I just call you Jemima then?  I can feel your stress but you and Betty are each originators of a great food brand and Mr. Coffee, of course, you’re included.  Just look at all the Twitter followers you all have.  Awesome number!

Mr. C:  Jemima, you have Twitter followers?

Aunt J:  Of course I do.

Mr. C:  Betty, you too?

Betty:  Of course.  Today one must be socially connected.  Mr.  Coffee, are you at least on Facebook?           

Mr. C:   I don’t know, nobody tells me anything although I always have this feeling that I’m being followed.

Betty:  You know, Mr. Coffee, you do have a lot of competition out there. 

Mr. C:  Well, Betty, you and Aunt Jemima have been around a lot longer than I have.

Aunt J:   Remember the truth is out so just call me Jemima, and what’s that supposed to mean, you calling us old? Why, you’re not even real!

Betty:   Excuse me,  Jemima, but if we’re talking about being real…

Rachel:  Okay, that concludes our interview on strategic branding.  Just remember folks, always stay true to yourself.  See you tomorrow!  Okay, that’s a rap.

CUT TO:    COMMERCIAL

(CUT MICS)

Aunt J:   Amen to that.

Mr. C:  And no more feeling bitter.

Betty:   Remember ladies, a good home cooked meal is the key to your husband’s happiness!  And of course, always end the meal with a perfect cup of coffee, never, ever bitter.

Aunt J:  And don’t forget to include some home cooked biscuits.

Betty:   Yes, yes, Jemima, we know how versatile you can be.  But leave the menu planning to me.

Mr. C:  Well, I have only one function, so ladies, good evening to you.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom, and humility. 

Until tomorrow…

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Sep 09 2012
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Humor

SOMETIMES…………….TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!!

I am very shy but I have been trying to convince myself that I need to be assertive and find new ways to meet men.  So last Sunday, I was walking towards a bicycle shop to have a flat fixed on my bike and as I approached, I noticed an extremely handsome man leaning against a railing.  I wanted him to notice me, to start a clever conversation, but shy as I am, I just walked past him with my bike.  As soon as I opened the door to the shop, I heard the man’s sexy voice, ” Well,  h-e-l-l-o  there!” 

I stopped dead in my tracks, collected all my passive assertiveness, turned around and responded,  “Well,  h-e-l-l-o  to you too!” 

He smiled politely, pointed to the earpiece and whispered,  “Sorry, I’m on the phone.”

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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Sep 07 2012
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Humor

A Lobster’s Life & Other Funny Stuff

Could there be a more pathetic life than that of a lobster?  Just think about it?  You’re scooped up from your environment, kept out of water for a little while, then placed back into a tank of water.  As a lobster with minimal brain function, you think that it’s not so bad.  “Hey, it’s a little crowded in here.  It’s not like we had before but at least we’re all  together!  We’ll have to make the best of it until we’re outta here, but for now, could you move that claw over just a little?  Okay everyone.  He’s reaching in.  We’re going to get outta here, or at least some of us will.  Oh please, pick me, pick me!  I really have to get outta here.  Yes, yes, he picked me!   What’s this?  I’m being put into a plastic bag!  Not to worry.  It’s just my transportation back to the ocean.  See ya later guys!”

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

 

 

“Officer, I’ve just been robbed!” 

“Did you get a good look at the person who robbed you?”

“Yes, I most certainly did!”

“Were there any identifying marks on his body?”

“Yes, he did not have a tattoo!” 

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved   

 

 

If you’re single, is it all right to go to bed angry?   

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

 

 

“Simon says all leaders of the world step forward, shake hands and make peace.” 

“Simon says!”   “One more time, Simon says!”

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

 

 

No use crying over spilled milk – except when it costs $3.99 a gallon!

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

 

 

“Sir, did you want to purchase that pack of gum?”

“I’ll have to ask my wife.”

“You need permission from your wife to buy gum?”

“Of course not.  I need permission to chew gum.”

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

 

 

Life always provides a choice.

You do what you have to do, or you don’t.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

 

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. 

Until tomorrow…

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Sep 05 2012
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Humor

Turning 50

What is so funny about turning 50?  What’s with all the stupid comments like, “How nifty you’re 50” or the “Over the Hill” remarks?  Where the hell is that hill anyway?  And what does “going over it” imply?  That towards the end of your life you will just drop down the other side and then it’s over?  Shouldn’t it imply instead that if you spend fifty years getting to the TOP of the hill  then you are, in fact, in pretty good shape?  So going over the hill should imply that it gets even better!  The Hallmark cards should read:  “On the top of the hill are you?  Finally reached it – good for you!  Congratulations!”  It’s takes fifty years to reach the top of the hill  and if you work hard you too can be over the hill.  But the key to mastering getting to the top of the hill is education.  That’s how you find the hill in the first place. 

“Hey, what the hell hill are you talking about?”  Well apparently you must have been one of those kids in school who never did any homework.  “Just wait till I get into the real world…”  Yeah, you know who you are.  How’s that working for you now?  You didn’t pay attention to Hill Humanity 101.  For those of you who did pay attention, you may not be at the hill yet but at least you have some idea where it is and how to get there.  Good luck in your journey.  For those of us who have climbed it and are on the other side of it – just know that it’s splendid!

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.  Until tomorrow…

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