No longer will pregnant women retain exclusivity to having a seat on a NJ Transit bus. A sign on the bus requests that passengers offer their seat to “Pregnant People.”
(c)2013 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
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Engaging and Entertaining: Humor, Prose, Poetry, Politics
Category Archives: Humor
Isn’t it Ironic
Teacher: Who can explain the meaning of irony?
Student: Mick Jagger celebrating his 70th birthday!
“Come On” and give cheers to the best rock and roll band in the world, The Rolling Stones, and best birthday wishes to Mick Jagger, the band’s frontman for fifty years!
(c) 2013 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved.
Pathetic Crier
This isn’t meant to offend anyone, honestly, but have you ever noticed that some little kids cry, well, pathetically? All kids are adorable, we know that, but think about it, some kids are cute when they cry and others, well, simply are not.
So one afternoon, late in August last summer, my next door neighbor is having a backyard family reunion where relatives congregate in little groups of familiarity, smiling and toasting their drinks at loved ones whose names they can’t recall but they say, oh my how you’ve grown to all the children. And there are so many of them running around! So I’m lying peacefully in my hammock, tolerant of the noise since it is an important and happy family event and even happier that I did not receive a “we feel awkward that you’re sitting over there in your hammock by yourself so why don’t you join us” invitation. I rehearse my response which is no thanks I’m fine really just in case when suddenly I hear a wrenching howling. I ask myself is that a child crying or a goat with its head stuck in the grill? I jump up from my comfortable hammock and run next door to assist and there I see this little boy, maybe four or five years old, screaming his head off in front of this man who I assume is his father – it would have to be. Who else would get that close? The child doesn’t appear to be hurt but the howling indicates that something is definitely amiss. The father appears helpless and glances frantically for any woman to assume the responsibility of motherhood. The howl gets louder and the child’s face gets, well, less attractive, much less. Frighteningly so! He just wants something. But WHAT? WHAT DOES HE WANT? Now I must remember not to shout at this kid since I’m not officially invited to this party so I start to analyze the situation. Did this child practice this type of crying or is it natural. Hard to believe it could be natural, but nonetheless. Just think when little kids are in the bathroom forever and you wonder why it takes them an hour to wash their hands. They’re not washing their hands – they’re practicing their crying! Getting it down to perfection. So this is the deal, I figure. Cute crier gets hugs and kisses – pathetic crier gets whatever he wants, just to get him to shut up. Genius!
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
More of Life’s Little Annoyances
When you realize that you’re not as smart as you’ve always thought people thought you were.
When you make every effort to make things right and everything goes wrong and someone suggests that you put forth more effort.
When you finally lose weight and your clothes are too big but you can’t afford to buy new clothes.
When your kids learn to tell time and then join the ranks of those who criticize you for being late.
When you watch your cat nap and wish that you could have that life.
When you really, really want the last jelly donut at Dunkin Donuts and out of politeness you say to the other customer who also wants the donut, “please, take it” and he does.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
No Smoking…Where?
G-d: There’s no smoking up here.
Man: You’re kidding, right?
G-d: I don’t kid.
Man: Gotcha. I thought this was a place of eternal bliss.
G-d: It is for those who don’t smoke.
Man: Can I quit over a period of time? Got lots of it, ha ha ha.
G-d: Really, not funny. You’ll have to quit cold turkey.
Man: That’s too hard! Going to heaven scares the hell out of me! The thought that I can never smoke again!
G-d: There are a lot of things that you can no longer do. Have you thought about that?
Man: Not really. I like, or liked to smoke. Smoked since I was a teenager. Never wanted to quit. Seriously, you want me to make a decision right this second?
G-d: You’ve had a lifetime to make a decision to quit smoking.
Man: Do I have a choice?
G-d: Of course you do. If you want to continue to smoke, well, where there’s smoke there’s fire, if you get my drift.
Man: No no, don’t do anything in haste!
G-d: I don’t work that way.
Man: Okay, give me a week, I’ll cut down.
G-d: Doesn’t work that way. You have to quit cold turkey or else.
Man: No, not or else! I’ll quit, I’ll quit!!!!!
G-d: Good choice. A little late, but better late than never.
Man: Not necessarily. I’m too young to be here. I now wish that I had never started smoking.
G-d: Unfortunately, they all say that.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.
Until tomorrow…
Life is just a little annoying…
When you’re certain if you say this then someone will say that and they don’t!
When you think that you really look hot and the dinner conversation is about AARP!
When you’ve spent an exhausting day of shopping and you really need a cup of coffee and you rush to the last open coffee-house in town and watch as the barista pours the last bit of coffee down the drain!
When you lose your job and the other door doesn’t open!
When you’ve had the same opinion for more than thirty years and suddenly it doesn’t make sense to you!
When you think that your life sucks – and it really does!
When you’re feeling old and you think – but wait!
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
Stuff
Every year it’s the same thing, clean the house for the holidays. But it’s not only for the holidays. I am always cleaning the house, not that it’s unclean, it’s just that I have too much stuff. Stuff is everywhere: magazines, books, shoes, tennis rackets, sweaters, gloves and even stuff that I bought at a garage sale; stuff that nobody else wanted. Why did I think that I needed other people’s unwanted stuff? It’s still good – maybe I’ll need it someday. So what have I been doing with all of this stuff? Mostly stuffing it into the closet with all the other stuff that I have accumulated over the years. And then there is the garage. I have no idea what stuff is in there except for an old tire for a car I no longer own, or the crate of expired car fluids. And then there are additional cartons of other people’s unwanted stuff that I bought, again assuming that it would have value someday. And then there is the attic where cartons of stuff containing the children’s firsts: first shoes, first bib, first pacifier, first bottle, first fork, first spoon, first cup, first saucer and first bowl, remain neatly stacked. In one of those cartons is the little hoody that reads: “If you think I’m cute you should see my mom!” I could never get rid of that! There are cartons containing kindergarten finger paintings, 1st grade drawings, 2nd grade drawings on up through 6th grade clay pencil holders and bowls, junior high mementos and cartons containing all of the children’s brilliant essays, sports trophies, ribbons and commendations. I have categorized this as the Keepsake Stuff. The good stuff! Stuff I will never part with. But then there is the Smith Corona typewriter that collects dust in the corner and the stack of first year and last year issues of magazines that might become valuable or at least be a good source of reference. My favorite high school clothes, like a racoon coat that I paid $25 for or a few pairs of low-rise hip hugger pants hang covered in plastic on a rack in another far corner of the attic. I don’t think the racoon coat will return to fashion but I do believe that one day I will once again fit into my size 3 hip hugger pants. This is the Someday But Most Likely Not Category.
I don’t want to leave out the new stuff. This is a sad story though. One time I lived in this very large house that had big, empty closets begging to be filled with new stuff. But I forced myself to refrain from filling them. I wanted to prolong the excitement. One day a friend was visiting and I bragged about my empty closets, feeling quite impressed with myself. That was a huge mistake. My wide-eyed friend asked if she could store some of her stuff in my big empty closets. Store for how long? “Forever”, she said, and explained that she no longer had any room in her house – she had too much stuff. This developed into an embarrassing dilemma. I wanted to be a good friend but unless you’re having a garage sale, pushing your stuff onto someone else is not a good thing. So I told her no. My friend did not take it well. We had a huge fight and she told me that she never wanted to speak with me again. True story, you can’t make this stuff up!
So now I’m going to get back to my cleaning. When I’m through with that, I have lots of cooking to do. Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I want to try out my new recipe for stuffing. And this year I’ve vowed not to eat too much and get overstuffed. Save room for dessert. But it’s not over yet. When the cooking and cleaning are done, there is still a lot of other stuff to do around the house, like mow the lawn, fix the roof, weed the garden and then purchase a new couch to replace the one that my two cavalier cats ruthlessly clawed Cats do that but to watch the two of them toss around the stuffing that falls from the couch as if they were playing football leaves me to wonder if I should provide that entertainment for YouTube or get a dog.
I admit I have a lot to do but I’m not worried. I always manage to get everything done in time. However, right now, I’m feeling a little stuffy so I hope that I’m not coming down with a cold. Maybe I’m allergic to cats.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
A First Date – What Did It All Mean?
“I remember when my parents used to say to me, if I have to tell you one more time then that’s it.”
“Why would you bring that up now?”
“Because I say it to my kids all the time and I don’t know what it is.”
“What what is?”
“You know, what the it means in that’s it.”
“Seriously, what are you talking about?”
“Never mind, forget about it.”
“Forget about what?”
“This conversation and you’re right, I don’t know why I brought it up now while we’re on our first date having dinner at this exciting new restaurant.”
“You call this a conversation?”
“Yes, of course. An exchange of words. It’s called a conversation. What part of it don’t you get?”
“You know what? Finally, I get it and I have to leave now.”
“Right now? I don’t get it? We haven’t even had dessert! I didn’t mean for it to ruin our dinner. What I’m trying to say is, never mind, it doesn’t really matter now.”
“You’re right, it doesn’t matter, so let’s just forget about it. Waiter, bring me a check please..”
“Don’t worry about the check, I’ll take care of it, but do you really have to leave now? I don’t want it to end like this.”
“I can’t take it anymore. I’ll pay for my own dinner, waiter, check please!”
“Where are you going now?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“I guess it’s over between us?”
“It’s a first date, we’re not an us, waiter, check, can you bring it now?”
“Waiter, over here, give it to me, please. I know this date didn’t work out well, but maybe we can try it again. I’ve written my phone number on this napkin. Here, take it?”
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
Hanging Shelves
What makes a person good marriage material today? Is it money, power? When you get down to the nitty gritty of everyday married life, like cooking, sewing and hanging shelves, then you really discover to whom you’re married.
I believe in a pre-nuptial questionnaire. Question number one should be: Did you take home economics or shop class in high school? The answer should be the real reason for getting married. Sure, it’s love you say. Don’t kid yourself.
Think of the male who never learned how to cook or sew or the female who stares blankly at a pile of wood, envisioning that wood hanging on her wall as perfectly aligned shelves that dutifully hold and display her vast collection of books.
When I was in high school, girls weren’t allowed to take shop and boys weren’t allowed to take home economics, simply because of gender. I never understood this. I desperately wanted to take shop and learn how to do what the boys were being taught. Ah, how independently blissful to be able to deftly cut, measure and hang that wood or to design a palace for the birds.
When I moved into my first apartment, I had to find a man who would hang my shelves for me, and it was usually some woman’s husband. I learned quickly that wives don’t want to loan their husbands for another woman’s menial tasks. I’d hear the wife mutter, “Hey, marry your own shelf hanger B—-. I’m married to this one. Why should you get free shelves? What did YOU do for it?”
I have always been resentful of this educational gender inequity, but the wives were right, find my own shelf hanger. I learned to wheel and deal, always cognizant of the wives’ tale: What did you do for it? It’s a common fact that men like to eat a lot and they often tear their clothes. I’m a great cook and I’m pretty handy with a needle and thread (yeah, I received an “A” in home-ec in spite of myself) so I cooked a lot of home cooked meals and sewed a lot of torn jackets and in return, got the shelves hung and married the man of my dreams.
After I got married, I better understood a wife’s need to protect her sovereignty. However, it’s wonderful that high schools today offer co-ed shop and home economics (now termed healthful living) classes. Single life reaps the rewards of independent proficiency and marriages remain strong. The wife can simple say, “Honey, I’ll put up the shelves while you cook dinner,” and the husband can reply, “Okay honey, then I’ll hem that dress of yours while you fix the car.”
(c) Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
When I Want It, I Want It, Coffee That Is
I will justify spending $4.00 for a latte, if I really want it. However, the other day I just wanted a regular cup of coffee, so I went to McDonald’s where it costs $1.07 (tax). The coffee there is great, by the way. A young female cashier, about sixteen years old, handed me my small cup of coffee. “That will be fifty cents,” she said. Wow, a 50% sale on $l.00 coffee, way to go McDonald’s! However, I didn’t notice any signs indicating such a sale so out of curiosity I asked the young cashier why? “Senior discount,” she said.
Seriously???? I just stared at her but she didn’t pick up on my reaction. I am definitely not a senior citizen but evidently to the young female cashier I was. So I nodded my head in appreciation and graciously accepted the fifty cent savings. Despite the fact that I had saved fifty cents, that cup of coffee did not taste as good as it would have had I paid full price. Slowly I forced myself to drink it, thinking latte all the while and reflected that for most of my teenage and adult life, I have looked much younger than my age (I got carded until I was 29). This young female cashier, however, had shot an arrow through my time machine.
As I continued to sip the coffee, I recalled one day during my teaching career when my adorable, laden with curiosity sophomores wanted to know my age. Of course, I informed them that it was none of their business but they persisted (I was 47). Trying anything to get off topic, they finally got me to promise to tell them if they guessed correctly. I chose that as the path of least resistance. They huddled in a group, then sized me up and down. They remembered that I had talked about my daughters who were about their age so they concluded that I would have to have been at least as old as their parents (as old?). I shuddered and then remembered that I perceived thirty as old when I was their age. After much deliberation, they finally arrived at a consensus. We were off topic but at least this inquiry had evolved into a successful group project. They reminded me of my promise to answer honestly if they guessed correctly. I reassured them that I would keep my promise.
Again, the students looked me up and down, as if the first time were not enough. More stalling! They were still in their huddle and I could not decipher their mumbling voices. Finally, the spokesperson stood. “We all agree that you have to be at least thirty-five,” he proudly announced. The others nodded in agreement and I just stared at their silly little faces and wondered if their thrill of accomplishment was because they had managed to divert the lesson for this amount of time or because they really felt that they had guessed my age. I did not want to disappoint them. I had to keep my promise. Would I dare tell them that I was forty-seven? I gazed into their bright, hopeful eyes and delivered on my promise.
“Yes, you guessed correctly,” I said. They all stood and cheered and slapped high fives and said a million I told you so’s. Then I told them that if anyone asked, it would be okay to say my age.
I thought about the young female cashier at McDonald’s and had hoped that she had the same warped perception of age – that thirty was old. I texted my twenty-four year old daughter about this McDonald’s episode but made sure to include that I was lol-ing in my heart so she wouldn’t become too concerned about me. She immediately texted back and agreed with a sixteen year-old’s perception of old. But I needed more proof!
My ego was in check but my vanity had gotten the best of me. I returned to the same McDonald’s later that day and waited in line to order a small cup of coffee. There were two people ahead of me which gave me enough time to exit the line, but still I remained. I didn’t really want a cup of coffee – I just needed to know! As I watched those last chicken nuggets being placed on the tray, I knew I still had time to leave. The pressure was escalating. Would I be able to withstand it a second time? What was I trying to prove? I was not forty-seven any longer, yet I was not a senior citizen by any means. The person in front of me received his full order. It was time for me to step forward or step out. I had to see this through so I boldly stepped forward to the counter and looked directly into the eyes of a young male cashier (I think he was 18). Did it matter that he was male? I ordered a small coffee with milk. I scrutinized his every move as he poured the coffee into a cup. He then reached into the refrigerator and took out the milk and added it to the coffee. Still watching his every move, he reached for a lid, placed it on the cup, and then turned around and handed it to me. The young man moved his hands towards the register and began to tap in the numbers. Ring it up three digits, not two, I semi-prayed. He stopped tapping the keys, and he looked at me. “That will be $1.07 ma’am,” he said. Coffee never tasted so good!
I texted my daughter, “Having a great day. Got charged full price for a cup of coffee!” She did not respond.
(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved
Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility. Until tomorrow…
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