Author Archives: Linda Stone Cohen

My Masquerade

Silhouetted love reveals only a shadow

Able to detect a shape, movements slow and precise

Sometimes though a blur

I can fool you.

Watch me move again I am sly

Obliquity of mime disjunction of mind

But sensuous, passive withheld words in a directed dialogue

Can you help?

I am not alone in this though I only move

I am in your way you have to look

And perhaps you feel an inclement warmth

Watch me fold.

Slowly I crease can you detect my shape?

Assemblage of body pull together my mind

A heartbeat

Are you still fooled?

Now it’s time to come back

A slow twist, a turn but which way should I move?

I feel confused, distorted

What is it that I was?

I can’t remember, I feel a pain

Throbbing, arthritic sensuality ah yes, but watch

A new fold, this shape I have renounced myself

Continuance, my masquerade.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.        Until tomorrow…

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PEANUT BUTTER and JELLY SANDWICH

The man sat down on the park bench over by the tree, the same bench that he sat on everyday for nearly ten years to eat his lunch.  He could have eaten his lunch anywhere since he was the CEO of a major corporation that employed hundreds of people.  Before the man took out his lunch, he scrutinized the area for paparazzi and when he felt that the coast was clear, he removed a brown paper bag from inside his coat.  He then removed his sandwich from the bag.  Just as he took a bite, he was suddenly caught off guard by a stranger.  The stranger was not paparazzi so the man continued to eat his sandwich. 

“Why are you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” the stranger asked.

“Because I like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,” the man replied.

“Out of work, are ya?”

“Obviously, you don’t know me, and that’s good, but I’m the CEO of a major corporation in that building right over there,” the man said as he pointed to the skyscraper.

“Right, like it doesn’t have an executive suite or betcha you can afford to eat in any restaurant,” the stranger said.

“It does and I could but I like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and that’s my secret.”

“Okay, so you took your kid’s lunch by mistake and you don’t have any money.  You’re wearing that fancy suit because you’re trying to get a job!  It’s okay, buddy, we’re all in this unemployment crisis together.  I’m out of work now going on two years.” 

The man continued to eat his sandwich.  “Actually, I have lots of money.  I just happen to like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,” the man admitted.  The stranger did not respond and then the man realized that he had just told this stranger that he had lots of money.  “I don’t know you and obviously your don’t know me but I’ve just admitted to you my darkest secret,” the man said.

“That you have lots of money?”

“No, that’s public information and nothing the paparazzi is interested in.  My secret is that I like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Do you think that I could sit in the executive lounge and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or order it at a restaurant without seeing my face plastered on the front page news?  But now that I’ve told you that I have lots of money, what do you plan to do?”

“Would you by any chance have an extra sandwich?” the stranger asked.  The man reached into the brown paper bag and took out a sandwich and handed it to the stranger.

The next day the man walked over to the park bench where he sat everyday for nearly ten years to eat his lunch.   This time the stranger was sitting on the bench.  The man nodded hello to the stranger, checked for paparazzi, and when the coast was clear, he sat down and removed a brown paper bag from inside his coat.   He then removed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the bag.   “Would you like one?” the man asked.

“Oh no, I couldn’t take your lunch,” the stranger said.  “You gave me your second sandwich yesterday and you must have been hungry.”

“Not at all,” the man said.   “I never eat more than one.”

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom, and humility.      Until tomorrow…

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Stuff

Every year it’s the same thing, clean the house for the holidays.  But it’s not only for the holidays.  I am always cleaning the house, not that it’s unclean, it’s just that I have too much stuff.  Stuff is everywhere:  magazines, books, shoes, tennis rackets, sweaters, gloves and even stuff that I bought at a garage sale; stuff that nobody else wanted.  Why did I think that I needed other people’s unwanted stuff?  It’s still good – maybe I’ll need it someday.  So what have I been doing with all of this stuff?  Mostly stuffing it into the closet with all the other stuff that I have accumulated over the years.  And then there is the garage.  I have no idea what stuff is in there except for an old tire for a car I no longer own, or the crate of expired car fluids.  And then there are additional cartons of other people’s unwanted stuff that I bought, again assuming that it would have  value someday.   And then there is the attic where cartons of stuff containing the children’s firsts: first shoes, first bib, first pacifier, first bottle, first fork, first spoon, first cup, first saucer and first bowl, remain neatly stacked.  In one of those cartons is the little hoody that reads:  “If you think I’m cute you should see my mom!”  I could never get rid of that!  There are cartons containing kindergarten finger paintings, 1st grade drawings, 2nd grade drawings on up through 6th grade clay pencil holders and bowls, junior high mementos and cartons containing all of the children’s brilliant essays, sports trophies, ribbons and commendations.  I have categorized this as the Keepsake Stuff.  The good stuff!   Stuff I will never part with.  But then there is the Smith Corona typewriter that collects dust in the corner and the stack of first year and last year issues of magazines that might become valuable or at least be a good source of reference.   My favorite high school clothes, like a racoon coat that I paid $25 for or a few pairs of  low-rise hip hugger pants hang covered in plastic on a rack in another far corner of the attic.  I don’t think the racoon coat will return to fashion but I do believe that one day I will once again fit into my size 3 hip hugger pants.   This is the Someday But Most Likely Not Category.

I don’t want to leave out the new stuff.  This is a sad story though.  One time I lived in this very large house that had big, empty closets begging to be filled with new stuff.  But I forced myself to refrain from filling them.  I wanted to prolong the excitement.  One day a friend was visiting and I bragged about my empty closets, feeling quite impressed with myself.  That was a huge mistake.  My wide-eyed friend asked if she could store some of her stuff in my big empty closets.  Store for how long?  “Forever”, she said, and explained that she no longer had any room in her house – she had too much stuff.   This developed into an embarrassing dilemma.  I wanted to be a good friend but unless you’re having a garage sale, pushing your stuff onto someone else is not a good thing.  So I told her no.  My friend did not take it well.  We had a huge fight and she told me that she never wanted to speak with me again.  True story, you can’t make this stuff up! 

So now I’m going to get back to my cleaning.  When I’m through with that, I have lots of cooking to do.  Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I want to try out my new recipe for stuffing.  And this year I’ve vowed not to eat too much and get overstuffed.  Save room for dessert.  But it’s not over yet.  When the cooking and cleaning are done, there is still a lot of other stuff to do around the house, like mow the lawn, fix the roof, weed the garden and then purchase a new couch to replace the one that my two cavalier cats ruthlessly clawed  Cats do that but to watch the two of them toss around the stuffing that falls from the couch as if they were playing football  leaves me to wonder if I should provide that entertainment for YouTube or get a dog.

I admit I have a lot to do but I’m not worried.  I always manage to get everything done in time.   However, right now,  I’m feeling a little stuffy so I hope that I’m not coming down with a cold.  Maybe I’m allergic to cats.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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A First Date – What Did It All Mean?

“I remember when my parents used to say to me, if I have to tell you one more time then that’s it.”

“Why would you bring that up now?”

“Because I say it to my kids all the time and I don’t know what it is.”

“What what is?”

“You know, what the it means in that’s it.”

“Seriously, what are you talking about?”

“Never mind, forget about it.”

“Forget about what?”

“This conversation and you’re right, I don’t know why I brought it up now while we’re on our first date having dinner at this exciting new restaurant.”

“You call this a conversation?”

“Yes, of course.  An exchange of words.  It’s called a conversation.  What part of it don’t you get?”

“You know what?  Finally, I get it and I have to leave now.”

“Right now?  I don’t get it?  We haven’t even had dessert!  I didn’t mean for it to ruin our dinner.  What I’m trying to say is, never mind, it doesn’t really matter now.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t matter, so let’s just forget about it.  Waiter, bring me a check please..”

“Don’t worry about the check, I’ll take care of it, but do you really have to leave now?  I don’t want it to end like this.”

“I can’t take it anymore.   I’ll pay for my own dinner,  waiter, check please!”

“Where are you going now?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“I guess it’s over between us?”

“It’s a first date, we’re not an us,  waiter, check, can you bring it now?”

“Waiter, over here, give it to me, please.  I know this date didn’t work out well, but maybe we can try it again.  I’ve written my phone number on this napkin.  Here, take it?”

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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Life Recycled

Steel shows through the peeling rubber of the leather worn wheelchair with the aged woman in it.

The wheels scrape along the sidewalk as her husband pushes from behind, slowly sliding his feet along the gravelled sidewalk as if lifting them would cause him to fall.

He pauses.

Then tucks the ends of the blanket snugly across his wife’s lap.

          On the other side of the street

          A father pushes his baby in a stroller.

          The squeaking rubber wheels and the frayed leather footrest reveal its wear.

Gazing from her wheelchair

The aged woman observes the father as he pauses to tuck the pink crocheted blanket snugly across his daughter’s legs.

(c) Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.        Until tomorrow…

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Hanging Shelves

What makes a person good marriage material today?  Is it money, power?  When you get down to the nitty gritty of everyday married life, like cooking, sewing and hanging shelves, then you really discover to whom you’re married.

I believe in a pre-nuptial questionnaire.  Question number one should be:  Did you take home economics or shop class in high school?  The answer should be the real reason for getting married.  Sure, it’s love you say.  Don’t kid yourself.

Think of the male who never learned how to cook or sew or the female who stares blankly at a pile of wood, envisioning that wood hanging on her wall as perfectly aligned shelves that dutifully hold and display her vast collection of books. 

When I was in high school, girls weren’t allowed to take shop and boys weren’t allowed to take home economics, simply because of gender.  I never understood this.  I desperately wanted to take shop and learn how to do what the boys were being taught.  Ah, how independently blissful to be able to deftly cut, measure and hang that wood or to design a palace for the birds.

When I moved into my first apartment,  I had to find a man who would hang my shelves for me, and it was usually some woman’s husband.   I learned quickly that wives don’t want to loan their husbands for another woman’s menial tasks.  I’d hear the wife mutter, “Hey, marry your own shelf hanger B—-.   I’m married to this one.  Why should you get free shelves?  What did YOU do for it?”  

I have always been resentful of this educational gender inequity,  but the wives were right, find my own shelf hanger.  I learned to wheel and deal, always cognizant of the wives’ tale:  What did you do for it?  It’s a common fact that men like to eat a lot and they often tear their clothes.  I’m a great cook and I’m pretty handy with a needle and thread (yeah, I received an “A” in home-ec in spite of myself) so I cooked a lot of home cooked meals and sewed a lot of torn jackets and in return, got the shelves hung and married the man of my dreams.

After I got married, I better understood a wife’s need to protect her sovereignty.  However,  it’s wonderful that high schools today offer co-ed shop and home economics (now termed healthful living) classes.  Single life reaps the rewards of independent proficiency and marriages remain strong.   The wife can simple say,  “Honey, I’ll put up the shelves while you cook dinner,” and the husband can reply, “Okay honey, then I’ll hem that dress of yours while you fix the car.”

(c) Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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Just a Flower

I pass by the potted flower planted in ceramic and I think

All you have to do is sit there and be beautiful

That is all you are with no other purpose than to be beautiful

And I hope that someone brings you home

To sit somewhere and be beautiful

And takes care of you so that your one day withering body does not define that

Your life had no other purpose

Than to sit there and be beautiful.

(C) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.        Until tomorrow…

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Monday Morning Office Water Cooler Chatter 9/17/12

Herb:  Steve, what’s your position on gun control?

Steve:  I don’t have a position on gun control on Monday morning.

Herb:  Com’on

Steve:  Okay, I believe it’s my constitutional right to own a gun.

Herb:  So you’re voting for Romney.

Steve:  Not necessarily.

Herb:  Well, I believe it’s my constitutional right to live.

Steve:  So you’re pro-life and voting Republican.

Herb:  Not necessarily.  I believe I have the right to live and not be shot by you.

Steve:  Why would I shoot you?

Herb:  If you had a gun and I pissed you off.

Steve:  Herb, we’ve worked together for a long time but you’re not that important.  You’re just annoying, like prickly heat.

Herb:  Be that as it may, the fact is if you didn’t own a gun then there would be no issue.

Steve:  Herb my man, listen carefully.  I have never owned a gun so there never was an issue.  Promise me one thing.

Herb:  What.

Steve:  You’ll never move to Florida.

Herb:  Don’t say that you heard it from me, but there’s a rumor that the company might relocate to Florida, taxes, you know.

Steve:  Then you need to quit!

New Girl:  I had a dream about this guy that I just starting dating.  I dreamt that he had become the man I’ve always dreamed about.

Evelyn:  That’s nice, dear.

Nicole:  There’s a new man working in accounting.

Evelyn:  And…did something happen?

Nicole:  I think I offended him.  I hadn’t meant to.

Evelyn:  What on earth could you have said to him?

Nicole:  I told him that he reminded me of my husband and he said when you married him and I told him no, when I divorced him.

Evelyn:  Oh dear!

New Girl:  I didn’t know you were married.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.       Until tomorrow…

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The Party

Yeah, there are over a hundred people scattered about the hall

A man planted here to fill her needs, a woman posed there to fill his needs

What they need

They both need.

Why do they meet, suppose a marriage of experiences

Intertwined with verbal abuse

A match of wits to discover they have none

A pose, hand held cigarette

It’s fickle light reveals scant wrinkles

Ashes falling down her dress

Foundation covers her wrinkles

Plenty of food, mixing mouths, mixing words, mixing thoughts

Absolutely, I don’t know what you mean

What did you say?  I don’t really care

Make an impression tell it to me again, don’t smile

There’s food in your teeth.

Drink this.

Evening’s end, I’m through can I leave?

Graciously I move towards the door, my exit to leave quietly

Oh!  Are you leaving already?

Early day tomorrow lots to do besides – I have food in my teeth.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.         Until tomorrow…

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When I Want It, I Want It, Coffee That Is

I will justify spending $4.00 for a latte, if I really want it.  However, the other day I just wanted a regular cup of coffee, so I went to McDonald’s where it costs $1.07 (tax).  The coffee there is great, by the way.  A young female cashier, about sixteen years old, handed me my small cup of coffee.  “That will be fifty cents,” she said.  Wow, a 50% sale on $l.00 coffee, way to go McDonald’s!  However, I didn’t notice any signs indicating such a sale so out of curiosity I asked the young cashier why?  “Senior discount,” she said.

Seriously???? I just stared at her but she didn’t pick up on my reaction.  I am definitely not a senior citizen but evidently to the young female cashier I was.  So I nodded my head in appreciation and graciously accepted the fifty cent savings.  Despite the fact that I had saved fifty cents, that cup of coffee did not taste as good as it would have had I paid full price.  Slowly I forced myself to drink it, thinking latte all the while and reflected that for most of my teenage and adult life, I have looked much younger than my age (I got carded until I was 29).  This young female cashier, however, had shot an arrow through my time machine.

As I continued to sip the coffee, I recalled one day during my teaching career when my adorable, laden with curiosity sophomores wanted to know my age.  Of course, I informed them that it was none of their business but they persisted (I was 47).  Trying anything to get off topic, they finally got me to promise to tell them if they guessed correctly.  I chose that as the path of least resistance.  They huddled in a group, then sized me up and down.  They remembered that I had talked about my daughters who were about their age so they concluded that I would have to have been at least as old as their parents (as old?).  I shuddered and then remembered that I perceived thirty as old when I was their age.  After much deliberation, they finally arrived at a consensus.  We were off topic but at least this inquiry had evolved into a successful group project.  They reminded me of my promise to answer honestly if they guessed correctly.  I reassured them that I would keep my promise.

Again, the students looked me up and down, as if the first time were not enough.  More stalling!  They were still in their huddle and I could not decipher their mumbling voices.  Finally, the spokesperson stood.  “We all agree that you have to be at least thirty-five,” he proudly announced.  The others nodded in agreement and I just stared at their silly little faces and wondered if their thrill of accomplishment was because they had managed to divert the lesson for this amount of time or because they really felt that they had guessed my age.  I did not want to disappoint them.  I had to keep my promise.  Would I dare tell them that I was forty-seven?  I gazed into their bright, hopeful eyes and delivered on my promise.

“Yes, you guessed correctly,” I said.  They all stood and cheered and slapped high fives and said a million I told you so’s.  Then I told them that if anyone asked, it would be okay to say my age.

I thought about the young female cashier at McDonald’s and had hoped that she had the same warped perception of age – that thirty was old.  I texted my twenty-four year old daughter about this McDonald’s episode but made sure to include that I was lol-ing in my heart so she wouldn’t become too concerned about me.  She immediately texted back and agreed with a sixteen year-old’s perception of old.  But I needed more proof!

My ego was in check but my vanity had gotten the best of me.  I returned to the same McDonald’s later that day and waited in line to order a small cup of coffee.  There were two people ahead of me which gave me enough time to exit the line, but still I remained.  I didn’t really want a cup of coffee – I just needed to know!  As I watched those last chicken nuggets being placed on the tray, I knew I still had time to leave.  The pressure was escalating.  Would I be able to withstand it a second time?  What was I trying to prove?  I was not forty-seven any longer, yet I was not a senior citizen by any means.  The person in front of me received his full order.  It was time for me to step forward or step out.  I had to see this through so I boldly stepped forward to the counter and looked directly into the eyes of a young male cashier (I think he was 18).  Did it matter that he was male?  I ordered a small coffee with milk.  I scrutinized his every move as he poured the coffee into a cup.  He then reached into the refrigerator and took out the milk and added it to the coffee.  Still watching his every move, he reached for a lid, placed it on the cup, and then turned around and handed it to me.  The young man moved his hands towards the register and began to tap in the numbers.  Ring it up three digits, not two, I semi-prayed.  He stopped tapping the keys, and he looked at me.  “That will be $1.07 ma’am,” he said.  Coffee never tasted so good!

I texted my daughter, “Having a great day.  Got charged full price for a cup of coffee!”  She did not respond.

(c) 2012 Linda Stone Cohen All Rights Reserved

Remember that no amount of money can purchase grace, wisdom and humility.        Until tomorrow…

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